Harris has identified the problem: secular dating can be wrong, silly, and dysfunctional. However, the alternatives Harris gives are dysfunctional too. He asserts that romantic love distracts teens from potentially good achievements. However, he fails to consider that a love relationship is itself a good thing! To create a dichotomy between fully serving Christ and dating is false. One can be a good Christian AND be in a meaningful "romantic" relationship. We lose freedom in Christ when we restrict one-on-one interactions to only one sex!

While it may seem liberating to know that singleness is okay, his book strikes me as extreme. Josh takes biblical sources, which were interwoven into the culture of the time, and transports them to the present time, neglecting the original context. He uses many personal stories, but rarely quotes more than one or two lines of scripture. Using this method, one could say that "Biblical" love consists of having multiple wives, marrying cousins, or supplying virgins to keep old married kings warm at night (all of these examples occur in the Bible and are not condemned). From Song of Songs, one can infer that romantic love makes life much more meaningful, and therefore is an essential part of life.

Fortunately Harris admits his ideas are not for everyone. However, since his book is all the rage, most people ignore his caveat, and take the message "the best Christians don't date" with them. Just compare the few youth group studies on the Trinity or the Incarnation to the large number on dating! Perhaps teens do need a book that challenges them to step back from the dating scene and breathe a little easier if they are dateless. However, teenagers soon grow up, and realize that relationships often require trial and error to perfect, and can be meaningful in spiritual and physical ways outside of marriage (but don't take it too far!). If you want to date, then by all means, use your liberty and date. If you prefer "courting," then court. Let's just place Harris' book in its own proper context: one man's interpretation of Christian ethics, but not for everyone.


Changed My Life!   July 9, 1999
 158 out of 199 found this review helpful

Wow! Wow! Do not hesitate in getting this book. I'm going to read it a 2nd time. Good thing I had a couple red pens because the first one went dry due to the need to underline so many wonderful, Godly points. Joshua Harris is remarkably mature and insightful for his age (early 20s).

I'm 26 and now "I've kissed dating goodbye," too. Having been incredibly hurt (and also causing an incredible amount of hurting) in my last supposedly-Christian relationship, the new, God-centered approach he outlines seems like exactly what God would have me do. I've learned to be content in this "season of singleness" and to seek to serve God and prepare for the future He has for me.

Harris' prayer for us is God's prayer (Phillipians 1:9-11, "That your love my abound more and more in knowledge and insight so that you may be able to discern what is best and be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruits of righteousness...") This is just one of literally tens of Biblical references that guides Harris every step of the way.

If I could have one wish, it was that I would have read this book in 11th grade, before I started dating. It would have saved me (and my ex-girlfriends) a lot of hurt. Thankfully, all things are made new in Christ, and it's never to late to be made new!

This book would also be great for married people! In fact, I gave a copy to my mom, both so that she can better understand her children, and also so that she can read about Harris' insights into God-centered relationships.

Harris challenges us to serve our brothers and sisters in Christ by protecting both our and their purity, and by not pursuing romantic relationships, contact or activities until God has prepared us and has given us the person He would have us be with. No, he doesn't advocate becoming a hermit. On the contrary, his approach teaches us to cultivate deeper (100% Godly) relationships with members of the opposite sex, carried out only in group settings, so "that nothing need be hidden." I've now got a "passion for purity" in relationships and life in general! While we can never completely eliminate sin, we are either progressing toward or away from purity. Previously, I had been stepping away too often.

It also lays out a Godly path for dealing with tough situations in relationships. And it concludes with a helpful section on how to move toward marriage with a potential spouse in a Godly-fashion when God has ordained the "when" and the "who"! Rather than being an "obligation" to wait to date, Harris presents it in a way that makes me feel priveleged to serve God (and myself and His Children) in this way.

Harris also includes many good references for further reading. I'm reading one of those books now, called "The Rich Single Life" by C.J. Mahaney. It's also outstanding.

I guarantee you've never read a book on relationships like this. As Harris says, "this is not a "how to date" book but a "how to break up with dating book!"" It's impossible to say too many good things about this book.

I've learned the importance of preparation, service, humility, contentedness, prayer, purity, love, gentleness, self-control, patience, knowledge, tenderness, compassion, vision, listening, and so much else.

I'm literally on-line right now buying a case of this book to give away to friends & family. I've already given away 3 copies. In the inscription on my brother's (age 16) copy, I wrote "This may be the most important gift I've ever given you."

I would strongly encourage anyone, whether in a relationship or not, Christian or not, to get this book and STUDY it immediately. It will change your life, too!


The real new attitude   March 29, 2000
 77 out of 101 found this review helpful

I'm rather surprised at some of the reviews below from people who say that they love God, and are serving him. Even though they've read Josh's book, I don't think they understand it very well. In a real sense, courtship doesn't restrict teenagers from relationships, it fo fills them. I'm sorry, but it's more than apparent from our huge divorce rate in this country that dating isn't working. But wait, you might say, dating will work if Christ is at the center of your relationship. Personally, I don't feel that getting into a tempting situation like what happens many times on dates is serving God. We're teenagers, which means we make plenty of mistakes. Even if we feel that we're grounded on the word of God, that doesn't mean that we won't and don't give in to temptation.

I think all of us should have a more open mind, and take a good look at ourselves. I know it's hard to admit that we've made mistakes, but if you love God you should want to please him, and thus admitting that you're anything but perfect is much easier. Almost every Christian teenager I know dates, and, unfortunately, a very high number of them have had sex. Why do you think that the pregnancy rate in church's is so high? Is it because we're following God's word? I don't think so.

In closing I would like to say that I believe teens should be concentrating on God during their adolescents. Afterall, the teenage years are when Satin truly begins to try and fight against you with all of the temptations of the world. Don't you think we should be closer than ever to God then. The Bible says, ""But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." -- Isaiah 40: 13 That about sums it up. Wait, and God will bless you. Mark my words.


WORTHLESS!!!   January 6, 2006
 48 out of 63 found this review helpful

That's right. This book is worthless. Why? Because while Josh Harris does a keen job of listing everything WRONG that can happen with dating, he offers NO ALTERNATIVE.

Courtship? If courtship is the "Christian" solution to dating, then why not spend more than a smidgen of the book talking about it? This book is about 95% dating-bashing negativity, with only about 5% of anything positive to offer. We're left with the word "courtship," and no real description of how it works or how to go about using it in practice.

In other words, this book has almost nothing to do with Real Life.

I read this book as a young man who was struggling with dating, feeling awkward, having trouble meeting the right person, etc. When I read it, it seemed really powerful to me at the time. "Wow, this guy really knows what he's talking about!" But now looking back as a married man, I realize how ridiculous the whole book is.

My wife and I met AT CHURCH. The first time we spent some quality time with each other it was actually at a restaurant ON A DATE (gasp!). We were nervous, as all people on dates are. But looking back, did just fine. We now have a loving marriage together.

We didn't COURT (whatever the heck-fire that means). We didn't have a bunch of heartache and pain. And we sure didn't tell each other "I am still deciding whether or not I love you, because true love is a decision, not a feeling. I've just spent a month locked away in prayer, and God still has not shown me that you are definitely THE ONE yet. Sorry."

This book is pure trash and pure waste. It is the kind of book that Fundamentalist Christians can get all in an uproar about how great it is. Well, I'm not following the lemmings. This book is a train wreck. It condemns the world while offering nothing better, separating the camps into an "us" and "them" mentality typical of fundamentalists. In this case, the "us" being enlightened Christians who know the truth about dating, and "them" being everyone else. How arrogant.


This book offers a horrible way to think about relating to the opposite sex. (No privacy whatsoever? See them only in a church group? What the...?) And worse, it does totally destroy any notion of romance. Love is taken out of the realm of physical attraction and emphasized only in terms of serving others and God. Well to a Christian, God-honoring love is certainly important, but can't we even dare to admit that sexual love is important as well? Can love only be expressed in one form and one form only? Or is sex nothing more than physical attraction?

This book presents a false dichotomy. It presents the absurd notion that "falling in love" is somehow wrong and that the only "Godly" way to love is agape love, through a head-decision, not through feelings. Controlling feelings is important of course, but is this type of philosophy realistic? Does it even make any sense whatsoever? We are human beings, not robots. Apparently we are supposed to be logical like Mr. Spock. "I will not fall in love until I make the decision to." Ridiculous.

Imagine not opening up your heart to someone else of the opposite sex. Never having privacy because you are trying to "court" and follow a bunch of stupid "NO DATING" rules. Imagine never really getting close to them, only seeing them in groups or writing them letters, and then marrying them! Is that crazy or what? Talk about a relationship pretty much doomed to failure. Can't you at least get to be close friends with somebody privately for a while before you decide to tie the knot? Hello! The rest of the world calls that DATING.


The ridiculousness of this book is not surprising considering that this was all written by a guy who WAS NOT MARRIED at the time! I ask you, does it make any sense whatsoever to take relationship advice from somebody who is single? I think not.

All this book does is put confused and awkward-feeling Christian teens and young adults in a defeatest position - I'd better not try to date because it can lead to a lot of bad things and I want to "remain pure". Well, dating can lead to a lot of GOOD THINGS too, like getting married and having a family! Ever think of that, Sherlock?

But hey, forget the voice of reason! Dating is EVIL, remember? Parents especially will like this book. In a world with so much sexual promiscuity and kids dating so young, this book is a godsend for parents who just want to ban their kids from dating altogether and be done with it. It's much easier to just give this book to your kids and say "NO DATING" than to actually talk to your kids and try to deal with the difficult issues.

I say that if we all think this book is so great, then why don't we just go back to arranged marriages while we're at it? It sure was easier back then. People didn't get divorced back in those days. Of course, women were treated as little more than property, but we shouldn't let that little fact stand in our way should we? That's right. If dating is so bad, then why turn back the clock just a little bit? Let's turn it back all the way!

No. The truth is that dating has many benefits. The least of which is self-confidence. A lot of Christian young men and women choose the "I don't date" path not because they truly believe this purity and holiness B.S., but because they are simply scared. There's only one way to get over your fear and that is to face it. Not hide it away in silly self-righteous religiousness.


(And yes, love IS a feeling. There. I said it. Curse me if you will.)

I have often thought to myself why Josh Harris wrote this book. What is his problem exactly? Was he rejected too many times? It starts off sounding like a book written by a Christian who is extremely frustrated, and it never gets any better. Well if you feel frustrated with dating and you want to read something written by someone who feels the same way you do, then by all means, read it. But don't expect any solutions to the problem. If you would like to read something that will offer you something positive to help you to actually feel BETTER, you'll have to look elsewhere.


I also dislike the fact that this book seems to encourage what I call "Christian Relationship Magical Thinking". That's where you keep thinking that God has only one person for you. That after enough years of prayer and waiting, that you will suddenly see him/her and will be struck by a bolt of lightning or something that will signal to you, "OHMYGOSH! SHE'S THE ONE!" Unfortunately, real life does not work this way. In reality, Christians just have to learn how to make relationship decisions on their own just like everyone else.


Quite a challenge, but well worth it!   December 22, 1999
 45 out of 52 found this review helpful

I am 25 years old, and I have dated since I was 16, moving from boyfriend to boyfriend as soon as possible. I always felt lonely if I didn't have someone to hold hands with, kiss, snuggle with, etc. But every one of my nine relationships ended in someone getting hurt because one of us was not ready to make the big commitment. I also ended up having intimate relations, as it is very difficult to say no when you are in a relationship for a long time. (I know of only a handful of 20+ people who have accomplished this.) After ending my most recent relationship, this book looked very appealling. I read it and I was all set to give up dating. Now that my hurt and anger have diminished, the books advice gets hard to follow, especially being the holidays...however...

I have never been so happy with the direction my life is taking, and it's getting easier every day. For anyone reading this review, please take heart and give this way of living a chance. The bad reviews sound like they are coming from people who do not have the conviction or will power to give up intimacy. You will meet many, many men/women like this, and they make it very hard to stick to your guns. And others make it sound like living like this makes it impossible to meet people - not true! You meet people of the same sex and become freinds, don't you? Just treat the opposite sex the same way while you are getting to know them! (Very hard, but not impossible!) And just let me say - for those who think that Joshua Harris did not have enough experience or was old enough to know what he was talking about, I believe it is God's message, through Josh, we are hearing when we read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Please give it a chance - you will not regret it! I've gotten so many rewards already.