In one chapter, he told men that their working wives want to be able to pay bills with his income, and keep theirs for spending money -- if they have to use their income for bills, they don't feel "taken care of" and resent their husband. He also stated that the wives who work don't want to. Therefore, he recommended that couples cut back on their lifestyle, regardless of their dual income, so that they could live on one income. In one scenario, he even outlined a plan where a couple could pay rent and utilities with $200 a month!

Finally, I was annoyed by how he focuses entirely on the avoidance of affairs in his book. While I understand that many marriages have to contend with this issue at one time or another, I was hoping that the book would focus on how to maintain a healthy marriage for a variety of reasons, INCLUDING the avoidance of affairs. I don't want to keep my husband happy simply so that he won't sleep with other women, but because I care about him, want him to care about me too, and want to have a fulfilling and close relationship with him.

I bought this book because my husband and I are having a great deal of problems communicating. We've been together for 10 years, and neither of us have ever strayed despite many problems. While that doesn't guarantee that we won't cheat, I was hoping to find a book that helps me find something positive in my relationship, not merely avoid something negative. By perpetuating the insecurities that many women have concerning their looks, and encouraging women to be financially dependent on men in an age where couples are learning to depend on each other and move away from sexist stereotypes, he is moving the institution of marriage backwards, to a day where more people may have stayed married, but it was because they felt trapped (financially or otherwise), or felt as if they didn't have many options.

Today, many people don't want a marriage from the "good old days." We want a modern marriage that works, while still respecting that woman don't have to be housewives who run into the bathroom at 4:30 p.m. to curl her hair before her husband comes home. I want a marriage where I look nice because I enjoy it, not because I have to, and where my husband won't leave me if I put on 20 lbs. Get real, Mr. Harley!!


Powerful, Practical Principles for Marriages -- A Classic!!   May 12, 2002
 97 out of 104 found this review helpful

After 15 years, Harley's work is as profound now as it was when first published. Harley has revised his book in various places, updating it based upon lessons learned since the previous edition and making it applicable to marital challenges of the 21st century. His concepts are powerful and practical. While written by a conservative Christian author, these principles are applicable to persons regardless of their religious background.

Harley's approach to "affair-proofing" a marriage centers on a concept he labels "the love bank." Every husband and wife has a love bank that encounters both deposits and withdrawals from the opposite sex. A crucial distinction is made, however, in that deposits and withdrawals are made differently with men than they are with women. These differences are based upon the ten most felt needs of a relationship with the opposite gender. Husbands, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration. Wives, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. Both genders express need for all ten items, but typically husbands and wives have contrasting priorities.

According to Harley, when an individual meets one or more of the partner's greatest felt needs, deposits are made into the partner's love bank. When one or more needs are not met, withdrawals are made from the partner's love bank. An affair occurs when a spouse finds fulfillment for a strongly felt need elsewhere because it is not being met satisfactorily within the marriage.

Harley's love bank concept is the centerpiece of his best-selling work. While his list of felt needs may not apply precisely to every man and woman, he does present a very accurate picture for most men and women in our society today. He concludes his book with giving tips on surviving an affair, and offering hope to couples struggling with a sense of incompatibility.

If you are serious about preparing for marriage, protecting your marriage, or propelling your marriage to even greater heights, this book is a must. Order it, read it, and see how powerful and practical these time-proven principles are!


Well worth reading   November 20, 2003
 77 out of 92 found this review helpful

This is a good book for couples to read and discuss: you may not agree with it, but it is a good discussion starter.
The marriage counsellor author claims to have found 10 basic needs people have and has sorted them into the top 5 for men and top 5 for women.

My wife and I are certainly not your average couple, if his list is really reliable.

His list of the top emotional needs is:
1. Affection
2. Sexual Fulfilment
3. Conversation
4. Recreational Companionship
5. Honesty and Openness
6. An Attractive Spouse
7. Financial Support
8. Domestic Support [= help with household duties]
9. Family Commitment [= help with child-rearing]
10. Admiration

He points out that a man's top need might be his wife's eighth need. It is important to her, but not nearly as important as it is to him. And vice versa, of course.

Reading the book has made me reflect on how well I meet my wife's needs. This can only be a good thing.

I knocked off a star, because the book is marketed in Christian bookstores, but is hardly a Christian book. But I highly recommend reading and reflecting on what he has to say.


Great book - saved our marriage!!   August 13, 1999
 64 out of 69 found this review helpful

This book is excellent and is a must-read for anyone contemplating marriage, having marital trouble, or happily married wanting things to be even more perfect. The previous reviewer may have taken the "needs" too literally. Dr. Harley mentions 5 of the "top" needs, but it is not the same for everyone. As a matter of fact, in my marriage, I have a few of the "male" needs, and my husband has a few of the "female" needs. But it works for us.

We were literally on the brink of divorce - only needed to get a lawyer. This book totally changed our thinking. We thought we were meeting each other's needs, but we were really meeting our "own" needs, which are rarely applicable to the spouse. We learned so much from this book, and now give it out as wedding presents to hopefully spare couples from the trouble we experienced.

I *highly* recommend this book, and don't know what we would have done without this information. We periodically read it again for a refresher course - and it always works wonders. I have read the John Gray books, but found this book to be the most helpful for us. Our marriage is fabulous now!


Shallow and worldly   December 11, 2002
 56 out of 85 found this review helpful

I will tell you the one valuable insight found in this book so you don't have to read it: you and your spouse may have different ideas about what you need / want from your marriage, so talk about what your expectations might be. Don't be limited by Harley's prescribed notions about what men and women want. Think for yourself and consider what your unique needs really are.

This book might be acceptable if it admitted that it is worldly instead of claiming to be Christian. Forget biblical values of love and committment. Believe instead that a woman is lovable only if she is beautiful and man is lovable only if he is rich. Buy into the shallow cultural stereotypes found in advertising and the media. The author even goes so far as to suggest that a woman undergo plastic surgery in order to be more physically attractive to her husband.

As you can see from the other reviews, if you read this book you will either love it or hate it. You will love it if you are insecure about whether your mate will cheat on you and you want to feel like there are some shallow, easy things you can do to prevent this. You will hate it if you believe in a deeper love and communication in your marriage. This book will leave you feeling paranoid about the ways you don't measure up to our society's unbiblical notions of attractiveness to the opposite sex.

I cannot emphasize strongly enough that this book is harmful and not helpful for developing true acceptance of yourself and love for your spouse. I'd give it -1 stars if I could.

I wish I hadn't read this book.