How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

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Editorial Reviews:

Product Description

Men are right. The “relationship talk” does not help. Dr. Patricia Love’s and
Dr. Steven Stosny’s How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness:

Love is not about better communication.
It's about connection.

You'll never get a closer relationship
with your man by talking to him like you
talk to one of your girlfriends.

Male emotions are like women's sexuality:
you can't be too direct too quickly.

There are four ways to connect with a man:touch, activity, sex, routines.

Men want closer marriages just as much as women do,but not if they has to act like a woman.

Talking makes women move closer;
it makes men move away.

The secret of the silent male is this:
his wife supplies the meaning in his life.

The stunning truth about love is that talking doesn’t help.

Have you ever had this conversation with your spouse?

Wife: “Honey, we need to talk about us.”
Husband: “Do we have to?”

Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have studied this all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women and have reached a truly shocking conclusion. Even with the best of intentions, talking about your relationship doesn’t bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart.

The reason for this is that underneath most couples’ fights, there is a biological difference at work. A woman’s vulnerability to fear and anxiety makes her draw closer, while a man’s subtle sensitivity to shame makes him pull away in response. This is why so many married couples fall into the archetypal roles of nagging wife/stonewalling husband, and why improving a marriage can’t happen through words.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It teaches couples how to get closer in ways that don’t require “trying to turn a man into a woman.” Rich in stories of couples who have turned their marriages around, and full of practical advice about the behaviors that make and break marriages, this essential guide will help couples find love beyond words.

Customer Reviews: Read 35 more reviews...

5 out of 5 stars

Wonderful wonderful book!! February 4, 2007
71 out of 73 found this review helpful

My husband (of nine years) and I are having trouble, and despite a couple of visits over the years to a therapist we both respect and like, we may be heading toward a divorce (his choice). I began reading this book, and then began reading it out loud to him. (I always read to him while he drives us to and from work; we've gotten through many, many history and philosophy books, and the very occasional marriage and intersex relations books.)

When I would ask if I should continue reading, he always said yes. (!) He was surprised and disappointed when I reached the end of the book. This book explains SO much about the conflicting ways we see things, and each other! Especially this, from page 196:
============
The Compassion Paradox: If Available Whenever Needed, It's Rarely Needed

Research shows that when people - men and women - feel secure that compassion and support will be there if they need it, they are far more independent. Worry that it won't be available when needed creates a deprivation mentality. You can think of deprivation mentality the following way. If you haven't eaten for over a week, are you likely to hold out for a gourmet dinner and eat it with your napkin in place and cut up your food carefully? Or will you shovel whatever food you can get into your mouth as fast as you can? You're likely to resemble a hungry wolf more than a well-mannered diner. Well, the last thing you want is for your partner to be as hungry as a wolf for emotional support. That will make her think about her emotional needs all the time and want more and more attention, until it seems to you that she can never get enough. The trick is applying preventive compassion in small doses, so that she knows it will always be there when she needs it. Once she knows that, she will hardly ever need it.
============

The book also discusses at length the physiological reactions of both sexes, and how that plays out in our reactions to each other. Starting at birth, males react more strongly, and act to avoid over-stimulation (hence, for instance, the boy baby looking away from a direct gaze way sooner than a girl baby who enjoys it. Boy babies enjoy it too, but it it too stimulating and so they must look away and look back to reduce their stress.) Girls and women "repair' relationship breaches and problems by talking; for men talking makes then feel worse (physiologically -- not emotionally or mentally...)

Fantastic book -- buy it whether you're married or not; it will help you understand ALL the men (and women) around you!

2 out of 5 stars

Some good points, but... February 11, 2007
33 out of 53 found this review helpful

I'm the wife of the poster above who thought the book was so awesome. I agree that the book made some good points and offered a ton of good explanations for why it's so hard for men and women to resolve relationship issues. I also offer a word of warning. Take the advice offered with a grain of salt. From what I can see, the author is giving both men and women a way out of acting like adults and taking responsibility for their own actions. You can't just talk to your spouse or treat them any kind of way and justify it because you feel you've been "wronged" due to clouded perception from fear/shame . It's not your spouse's responsibility to learn to control these emotions. Anything your spouse says can be misinterpreted through the cloud of fear/shame/inadequacy/anxiety/guilt and every other emotion you want to toss into the pot. I am not wrong every time something I say or do stimulates a negative emotion in my spouse and the same goes for him. This is a learned response that is no one's fault. If you have this response, it's up to you to control your reaction to it...not your spouse's. It's also not your spouse's responsibility to read your mind...which is what this book advocates (without saying it, of course). Any psychologist will tell you that mind reading is BAD. But if your spouse won't tell you what's wrong out of fear of shame, what else are you left to do? What happens when you're wrong and it's not a fear/shame response? You're left to assume too much when communication is taken out of the picture. No matter how uncomfortable it is, good communication skills are vital to a relationship. No, women don't ALWAYS have to nag to get their point across and men don't ALWAYS have to avoid to keep from getting dumped on. This book reminds me of an infomercial that takes human incapability to the extreme (we just can't help ourselves, brain chemicals and all) and THIS BOOK has the answer!

The book also has a few other surprises at the end. One of them concerning sex. I could write a whole other review on that alone. Again, take this advice with a grain of salt. I've been married for 5 1/2 years and I have to tell you that no matter how wonderful my dear husband thinks this book is...none of that is gonna fly in this house.

I think the author had good intentions and there is some good information given, which is why I gave the book 2 stars. But in my honest opinion, I say, save the money that you were going to spend on this book and put it toward a copay for a good psychotherapist.

5 out of 5 stars

A MUST READ FOR EVERY HUSBAND!!! February 11, 2007
29 out of 31 found this review helpful

I've never written a review, but five minutes after finishing this book I was logging on to Amazon to give some honest feedback to the potential shoppers out there wondering if this book is worth the money. First off, I'll let you know that it was WORTH EVERY PENNY (and I actually went out in the snow to get it at full price from a B&N bookstore in the middle of the night). This book puts into words exactly what I've been unable to express for the past 5 years of marriage. It describes not only what I've been feeling, it describes what my wife has been trying to get through to me, why I felt how I did, why my wife responded how she did, everything. I have a handful of relationship books from a variety of different authors, and none of the other ones were as useful or powerful as this one. The book doesn't just throw out a few "answers" and treat them as though they're intuitive facts. Instead it goes into supportive information for these simple "truths" that have elements that are physiological, psychological, biological, sociological, (and a few other -logicals to boot). I found it interesting to read about real life anecdotes, historical anthroplogical findings, and chemical brain reactions all on the same page.

The main idea of the book is to show how women are hypersensitive to Fear, Isolation, & Deprivation, and men are hypersensitive to Shame & Dread of Failure. When I actually sat back and thought about it I realized that almost all of my negative emotions can be traced back to either Shame or the Dread of Failure, and most of my wife's emotions fell into one of her F/I/D categories as well. This bit of information alone was useful and worth the the price. The book also goes into a chapter specifically for the male to understand the female point of view, and also one for the females. At the end there's a "Man to Man" chapter writeen by Steve that's interesting as well. The book spends a lot of time ensuring that the reader fully understands the power of our Fear/Shame emotions and how they're the basis for the disconnection that occurs so often in a marriage. Throughout the book there's advice for breaking the pattern, and the "secret formula" at the end seems so simple and yet is so hard to consistently do.

All in all it's a well-written easy to understand book that I thoroughly enjoyed reading and will be reading again soon to get a more in depth understanding of the material and to actually work through the various exercises and surveys.

5 out of 5 stars

My absolute favorite marriage & divorce-busting book! April 8, 2007
20 out of 21 found this review helpful

This book's name and the cover design really does not do it justice. It's for anyone in a man/woman relationship, no matter what their age. I have highly recommended it to my 21 year old daughter. Michele Wiener-Davis ("Divorce Busting") is my "marriage guru," and I see that she recommends it too.

My marriage was having problems and it got so that no matter what I said or how I said it, my husband freaked out and complained that I was "digging." I became desperate and didn't have any idea what I was doing wrong. I needed knowledge and action and I needed it fast.

I had studied assertiveness training and knew how to use "I statements" but they just were not working at all. And nothing could convince my husband to use them, let alone understand them. In order to use an assertive "I statement" you first have to be able to identify the feelings behind your statement. Some men can learn this but my hubby couldn't.

If you've ever wondered why your man over-reacts and gets angry or withdraws no matter how you approach him, then you must read this book now (you can also buy a version at e-books if you just can't wait, like me). If you love biological psychology, you will go for this author's theories about the origins of men's tendency toward hyper-arousal, and women's deep need for connection.

Not only does it explain it all in easy to understand language, but it actually tells you what to do to correct the problem of driving your man away by talking to him. This book could save you thousands of dollars in wasted money with marriage counselors. It will turn you on your head if you believe that lots and lots of verbal communication and analyzing is the key to a good marriage.

This book is worth it's weight in gold to me, and I'm hoping maybe the author will come out with a sequel!

5 out of 5 stars

Resenting your partner? The "magic" gone? Get back on track. Get this book! March 22, 2007
18 out of 21 found this review helpful

I gave this book only 5 stars because that is as high as the rating system will allow. It provides both men and women with the means of understanding themselves and their partner in ways that lead to trust and respect toward themselves and each other. It is a truly empowering work for both men and women. The authors share their understanding grounded in years of practical experience working with relationships that have gone wrong and even suffer from abuse. The authors provide a basic understanding of the biological basis for the differences in the perception of men and women that create shame in men and anxiety (fear) in women. Knowing and appreciating the nature of these differences helps you understand and have compassion for your partner (and yourself!) when struggling. When you have compassion for others you would never knowingly harm them. Using the guidelines offered in the book help create a bond of mutual appreciation and understanding. Men and women have different "realities" created by evolutionary selection. This is a condition to be understood and dealt with compassionately. It is not a problem to be "solved" by making men more like women and women more like men. It acknowledges men and women are simply different, not wrong, not right, just different. The book provides various surveys that will help the reader become conscious of exactly what the differences are and what how to honor the differences. It offers many suggestions on how to prevent resentment from creeping into relationships. It also shows you how to maintain your own emotional well-being by discovering, developing and accessing your own core values.

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