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| The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate | 
 enlarge | Author: Gary Chapman
Publisher: Northfield Publishing
Category: Book
List Price: $14.99
Buy Used: $2.99
You Save: $12.00 (80%)
New (133) Used (241) Collectible (4) from $2.99
Avg. Customer Rating:  624 reviews
Sales Rank: 86
Media: Paperback
Number Of Items: 1
Pages: 204
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.6
Dimensions (in): 8.8 x 5.9 x 0.6
ISBN: 1881273156
Dewey Decimal Number: 646.78
EAN: 9781881273158
ASIN: 1881273156
Publication Date: June 1, 1995
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days
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| Customer Reviews:
 A good theory gone bad April 15, 2006
55 out of 60 found this review helpful
I was drawn to this book because the foundation of Dr. Chapman's Five Languages is very simple yet profoundly important. But that being said, this foundation is also little more than common sense. It doesn't take a psychology degree to know that we each have our own values and priorities, and different personal triggers for happiness. My hope for this book was that it would build on my and my husband's Average Jane/Joe common sense and help us understand and practice it more deeply after 10 years of marriage. Unfortunately, what starts off as a great vehicle never quite surpasses 20 miles an hour. This book did a good job of reminding me to recognize and honor differences, but it didn't teach me anything new.
The paragraph above would have prompted me to give this book 3 stars ("It was OK"). But the two paragraphs below tempted me to give it 1 star ("Hated it"). In the end I'm compromising at 2 stars. There are two things about this book that really bothered me.
One: Dr. Chapman seems to live in Disneyland. The contrived Hallmark card image on the book's cover is a good indication that its contents are idealistic rather than realistic. He believes that we can get over years of troubles and pain through exercises that include watching ducks on a lake together, or saying, "Thanks in advance for mowing the lawn," instead of "I want you to mow the lawn." Is there wisdom to his suggestions? Most certainly. Do they fall short in the real world? Most certainly. One after another, he introduces us to couples who have come to him after decades of misery and threats of divorce, and within just a few months they're walking off into the sunset (presumably the one on the cover) to live Happily Ever After without cracking a sweat. The more of these couples I read about, the more I felt like I was watching "The Cosby Show" where life's problems are easily solved and everyone plays their part effortlessly because the writer scripted it that way. Dr. Chapman consistently sidesteps the real world where humans are complex and life is inevitably complicated.
Two: At nearly the end of the book I became outright enraged, prompting me to write this, my first ever Amazon review. A woman comes to Dr. Chapman and tells him that her husband dismisses her, belittles and insults her, and tells her outright that he hates her. Dr. Chapman asks what her husband's primary language is, and she says it's Physical Touch. He then advises her to have sex with her husband. She protests, saying that sex makes her feel degraded and used as an object because she knows she isn't respected or cared for as a human being. Dr. Chapman persists, telling her (quotes shortened but not taken out of context), "Your response is normal. That's why loving someone who doesn't love you is unnatural and difficult. You need to rely on your faith in God to do this. Read Jesus' sermon on loving your enemies and then ask God to help you practice the teachings of Jesus." The woman again protests, saying it would be hypocritical of her to sleep with a man who hates her and whom she may well hate in return. Dr. Chapman persists again, saying, "If you claim to have feelings you don't have, that's hypocritical. But if you express an act that is designed for the other person's pleasure, it's simply a choice. Your action isn't born of emotional bonding, it's born of doing something for his benefit. That's what Jesus meant." WHAT?! Jesus wants women to pleasure men for their benefit without regard to emotional bonding?! I'm sorry, I thought that Jesus taught us the opposite. From there, Dr. Chapman tells her that if she gives her husband sex six times in the next month, chances are he'll give her the Thursday evening Scrabble game she wants. I could hardly absorb this justification as I was reading. Dr. Chapman's end conclusion is that his plan is a "miracle" anyone of us can practice in our own marriage.
For many little reasons, and for the one huge reason of the paragraph above, I am dumbfounded that this book has averaged a 5 star rating from more than 300 readers. I find myself deeply dismayed that people are incorporating into their belief systems advice which is so unrealistic, oversimplified, and even outright degrading at times.
Again, the foundation of this book is a good one, and it's good to be reminded that we need to see and care about others instead of only ourselves. If only Dr. Chapman would build on this positive in a realistic and respectful way.
 Five Languages Not Just for Couples February 13, 2000
53 out of 55 found this review helpful
What I love about this book is that it is a resource that helps me with people in my life. The title mentions "mate," yet the book gives insight to how all of us speak different love "languages." It doesn't necessarily mean within a romantic relationship. Some people are more inclined to give little gifts when showing someone they care. These are people who usually "expect" little gifts to show them how much they are cared about. The same goes for physically affectionate people, people who believe words said are most important, and so on. This is a great gift book for those going into relationships, those suffering from a recent relationship ending, as well as those who are in a present relationship. It's for women and men equally. Read it and find out what language you speak and therefore desire. You'll probably realize why roses aren't always the answer!
 For a love that lasts a lifetime! March 22, 2002
37 out of 39 found this review helpful
I brought this book because my boyfriend and I were going through some major troubles. It wasn't that we didn't love each other; we just weren't communicating the love we had for one another.I sat down and read this book and by the time I got to page 51, I had already cried and had realized that my view of love was one sided at best. The funny thing is I would shower my boyfriend with flowers and gifts and sentimental trinkets and it never seemed to faze him. I couldn't understand why until I read this book, and then I realized that I wasn't loving him, but instead trying to show him how to love me. Women and men are different and so it only stands to reason that their concept of love would be different. And what I found out was not that he didn't love me...but that wasn't doing a good job at loving him. Thinking back on all the pain we went through. It makes me wonder how many relationships break up not because they don't love one another, but because they can't communicate that love effectively to their mate. How many times have we tried to get our needs and wants met and the only words that come out are how they haven't done this or they aren't doing that instead of just saying I really miss when you used to do this because it made me feel such & such. When frustrated we often speak out of anger instead of love. This book teaches you how to effectively communicate the love you have for a person in a manner in which they can not only understand it, but also reap the rewards from being completely loved. I recommend this book for anyone who believes that love is worth making sacrifices and to anyone who believes that love is worth the effort. If you haven't figured out by now that things worth having are things worth working and fighting for then you will never have a prosperous relationship. This book gives you the opportunity to take a bad situation and turn it into a situation in which your relationship can flourish and nurture not only the two of you as a couple but also you as an individual.
Saved my marriage January 12, 2004
37 out of 38 found this review helpful
This book is absolutely incredible. Having serious marital problems, I was desperate for any kind of help. I was about to turn to counseling when I heard about this book. I decided to buy it so that my husband and I could read it together.Not expecting too much, one lazy morning I suggested to my husband that we lay in bed and begin reading this book out loud to eachother. We read 120 pages that morning! We could not put it down! Both of us shed a lot of tears that morning, this book really hit home. That morning when we woke up, everything seemed hopeless for us. After reading this book, we had hope that our problems can be resolved. Our attitude toward eachother has greatly changed since we read this book. Basically this book explains that people feel loved in different ways. For example, my love language is "quality time" and my husband's love language is "personal touch." Without quality time with my husband, I feel unloved... my husband feels unloved when we have a lack of physical contact. Our love languages are so different... before reading this book, I just thought that my husband wanted more sex for selfish reasons. When in reality, personal contact is what he needs to feel loved. Before reading this book, my husband hated when I nagged about spending time together.. but now he realizes that spending time with me is the best way to tell me that he loves me. Dr. Chapman says in this book that LOVE IS A CHOICE. Find your partner's love language style, then choose to show love to your partner in that way (it's not about what YOU need to feel loved, it's about what YOUR PARTNER needs). I thought that spending quality time with my spouse was the way I can show him I love him. In reality, that's MY love language, not HIS. Even if your partner does not want to read this book with you, there are ways you can begin to repair your marriage on your own, and before you know it, your partner will begin to reciprocate. This book is INCREDIBLE. I plan to pass it around my friends and family. Please invest the $12 and read this book, your marriage will never be the same again!
The "Miracle" Your Marriage Has Been Hoping For March 25, 2003
24 out of 24 found this review helpful
In his book "The Five Languages of Love" Dr. Chapman makes the reader view their relationship in ways they never thought of before. In fact he even gives examples where partners knew what was wrong but not how to fix it and by realizing what their language was they were able to work their relationships and marriages out. It was a wonderful read full of heartfelt expressions from a counselor to his patients, that came through as more of a friend to friend one-on-one style, or the shoulder you wish you could cry on kind of read. It was full of fresh information that will make you reconsider how you've viewed your relationship no matter how long you've been together. I was very pleased to find it was not another dry, textbook example of statistical facts and hypothesis put out for you to draw your own conclusions about. In fact he shows time and again real cases where this method works even in the worst situations! It is a terrific read that I finished in a few hours and will be sure to pass along to my friends. I can't wait to get started implementing what I've learned.
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