My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

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Editorial Reviews:

Product Description
In this raucous collection of true-life stories, actress and comedian Chelsea Handler recounts her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible, and often gratifying beast: the one-night stand.

Customer Reviews: Read 253 more reviews...

1 out of 5 stars

Disappointed August 22, 2005
111 out of 174 found this review helpful

The title of the book is severely misleading. It should be titled, "A Collection of Near Misses," or "A Collection Of One Night Stands I Would Have Had If I Had Not Chickened Out Or If The Guy Didn't Change His Mind."

The title of the book leads the reader to presume the book is, indeed, a collection of one-night-stand stories. It is really a collection of guys the author wanted to go to bed with, but then changed her mind about when they got naked, or they changed their mind about her.

The author is a stand-up comic, and no doubt, funny in person, but the book was not funny at all. I was left disappointed and feeling sorry for the guys she teased thinking they were going to have sex, only to have her make a haste exit out of their home or a hotel room.

Then the author had the audacity to complain that she didnt get any sex after each "one-night stand," when it was her decision not to go to bed with each guy.

The author goes to great lengths to glorify drinking and bragging about her getting so drunk and so wasted that she is willing to have sex with anyone, only to chicked out anyway.

If the book is meant to be funny, she missed the mark. It is more a warning to demonstrate what too much alcohol and Ectasy will do to one.

If you must read the book, borrow a copy from a friend or a library. Save your money.

4 out of 5 stars

Woody Allen meets Sex and the City June 29, 2005
52 out of 67 found this review helpful

Hilarious recollection of multiple amorous adventures and misadventures. Remeber when Woody Allen was funny? Well this could be his sister's version of "Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid of asking"
The succession of ever so more improbable sexual fiascos and mishaps, would make Candace Bushnell cringe. Like Sex and the City, but wearing JC Penney shoes instead of Manolo Blahnik's.
A comic tour de force.
Read it, you won't regret it.

3 out of 5 stars

For the ladies... June 30, 2007
40 out of 51 found this review helpful

I love Chelsea Handler. I really do. A huge fan. However, this book is really written for the ladies. Being a gay guy I thought that maybe I could wrap my brain around the stylings of a single female who loves vodka and men. But in the end a lot of the charm and appeal is lost on me...I may love vodka and men but I'm certainly not a single female.

The stories are funny though and written for a quick read. And I think most 20-30 "somethings" will find this quite humorous. I was hoping for more hardcore juice...but most of the time Chelsea just ran short of being a true tramp and was more like a little girl dressing up in mom's heels and make-up.

1 out of 5 stars

Simply terrible! March 19, 2006
23 out of 47 found this review helpful

There's a point in My Horizontal Life where a friend suggests to Chelsea that she ought to write a book about all the men she's been involved with, to which Chelsea responds, "What a dumb idea." Yet, Chelsea does write a book about it - and it turns out to be a particularly dumb book. She should have taken her own advice. There are 18 chapters in total (each dedicated to another so-so scenario in Chelsea's sexual life) yet, for a book that's supposed to be about a woman's sexual adventures, Chelsea only actually sleeps with men in about 7 of the chapters. There are a lot of near-misses. Given that this is supposed to be a book about one night stands and `sleeping around', these add up to a lot of non-stories.

Not only is the writing very poor (almost like a 16 year old's account of her summer holidays) but this book ultimately comes across as boring and self absorbed. I was expecting an interesting, involving and intelligent insight into a modern woman's attitude towards sex. This was not it. In fact, Chelsea isn't really doing anything different to what thousands of women of a certain generation are doing. Sadly, however, she comes across as desperate and really rather lost. Most of the time she's drunk - and many of her own stories don't portray her in a particularly good light; not because of the subject matter (after all, people have bought the book knowing what it's supposed to be about) but because she just seems very unworldly and immature. There are points where she chooses not to sleep with men for a variety of reasons (one she determines, through his trousers alone, has genitals that are too big. Another has genitals too small - so she sneaks out of his flat). For a woman who holds herself up as a hedonist and lover of men, these aren't quite the actions of a sexually sophisticated adult. And then there are parts of the books that are just offensive - particularly her description of `midgets'; for example, "Those little midgets have it so easy. Sometimes when I see one, I want to chase it..." It? It??? Followed by, "His mom was a midget too, but his dad was human-sized." Now, politically incorrect humour can be hilarious if handled properly, but this sort of stuff isn't funny, it's just dire. Oh, and Chelsea didn't sleep with this one either because his genitals were too big. Again! She just passed out from excessive alcohol consumption. Again!!!

Really, every sane, mature woman should avoid this book. Trust me - there will be nothing in there that will give you a greater insight into sex in the modern age. If anything, the majority of women have probably been there and done most of what Chelsea's done - just in a more considered way.

5 out of 5 stars

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL! May 14, 2005
19 out of 21 found this review helpful

I just finished reading "My Horizontal Life" and I have to say, it was the most fun I think I've ever had reading a book. I was laughing so hard at some of these stories that I was calling people up to quote lines over the phone (I know that's annoying if you're on the other end but it had to be done). In fact, when I finished reading it, I picked it back up and read a couple of the stories again.

As a fan of stand-up comedy (the author is a comedienne), I expected the book to be full of jokes and it is, but what I didn't expect is that it would be so revealing, sweet and engaging. By the last page, I felt like I knew the author as well as some of my closest friends.

Whether or not you yourself have had a one-night stand, you will be able to relate to the things that happen to her. Okay, maybe we haven't all dated a male stripper who's "every gay guy's fantasy" but we've all dated someone we sadly discovered is not so bright or who doesn't have a good grasp of our language. Personally, I think even a nun would find this book amusing. But I wouldn't buy it for her. I'd hope she'd just stumble upon it on her own.

I've read many humor book over the years and the problem with a lot of them is that they're just not that funny. This one delivers.

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